Miyamoto Coliseum Returns
The Miyamoto Coliseum concept was based on the now defunct site, VersusUniverse.com, which featured editorials on fan favorite fantasy battles. When our little website first debuted in the summer of 2008, the Coliseum was front and center, and was the most trafficked, and controversial (Fan: “There’s no way Green Lantern beats Superman”?!..actually you’re wrong.) sections of the site. Then one day I happened to visit a popular video game website (who will remain nameless) and noticed that it suddenly had it’s own section devoted to fantasy battles. You’d think that we’d be a bit upset over the situation, but honestly it’s not the first time some one has seen a good idea and borrowed it…you know, like we did. We took it as a compliment, a ‘badge of honor’ if you will. So as our site was being rebuilt we thought about what parts to keep and what parts to treat like a nose hair, and yank it out. Painful yes, but sacrifices must be made. So to celebrate the Coliseum’s return, we’ll re-show one of our past favorite battles, Star Trek Universe vs. Star Wars Universe, aka The Battle of Geekdom.
Star Trek Universe vs. Star Wars Universe
This battle is a fan-boy’s dream. Two of the most prolific Sci-fi properties go head to head to see who really rules our universe.
We’ll start with the Star Wars Universe. Now some people believe that Star Wars technology is old just because its stories happened “long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away”. Well, the “in a galaxy far, far away” part is a clue that these aren’t people from our world. We assume that just because it happened long ago that they’d be behind us in technology for some reason. Have you ever seen a Death Star or a light saber? No. Yea, so these people are pretty damn advanced.
Star Wars is a mix of mystical power (The Force) and technological power. So let’s break this down in to two parts, The Force and technology. But first we’ll start off with technology. The space ship designs and abilities in Star Wars are too numerous to count. They range from small agile craft like the X-wing, to gigantic ones like the Executioner. Their ability to move super fast doesn’t appear to be limited by size. Star destroyer class ships (those giant white ships the Empire uses) can make the jump in to hyper speed in no time.
"Dude, did you just feel that? It felt like a ship exploded on top of us".
Also, the fire power the ships in Star Wars dish out is very impressive. One Star Destroyer is powerful enough to put a solar system on lock-down, and it takes a fleet (actually fleets and fleets) of ships to take a Destroyer out. Even the smaller craft carry heavy duty ordinance like, laser cannons, proton torpedoes and bombs, concussion missiles, ion cannons, and more. The defensive capabilities of Star Wars ships is also impressive. Most ships have some form of shielding, and some even have the addition of jamming and cloaking devices.
Even stationary objects (or some-what stationary) like the Death Star could lay waste to just about anything. See a planet you don’t like? No problem. Gone. And if your battle happens to move on land, there are countless ways to wreck havoc. Whether you’re using pre or post Empire land artillery or equipment, you’re covered. From giant AT-ST’s to massive shield generators, laser blasters to light sabers, soldiers in the Star Wars Universe are very capable fighters.
Then there’s The Force. A mystical power manifesting itself everywhere, and utilized by the Jedi and the Sith. With the Force you could move objects as small as a puppy or as big as a ship, with telekinesis. You can shoot bolts of lightning from your hands, or even convince a Storm Trooper that he’s a six year-old girl who enjoys jump rope, with your mind. With the Force a seemingly average looking Jedi could leap in the air like he was in the Matrix, and in extremely rare cases, bring back the dead.
Star Trek is primarily a technology only Universe. While there have been instances of mystical or ‘other worldly’ events, the use of mystical powers is not a staple here. Here highly advanced ships and their crew dominate the world of Star Trek. Huge ships like the Enterprise lack mobility, but they make up for that with tremendous speed and fire-power. Star Trek ships also employ proton torpedoes, lasers, cloaking, advanced shielding, and even teleportation. As far as land war capabilities, the Star Trek Universe is clearly under equipped, having little in the way of something like an AT-ST. So with that said, as far as vehicles or machinery is concerned, our battle will be a space war.
Let’s look at the people that comprise these two universes. Both are made up of thousands of different alien species,
- Vader: “You’re telling me a bald man in a wheel chair took out my men”?! Soldier: “Ack…no my Lord, the actor who plays the guy in the wheel chair
and it would be a monumental task to discuss in length about each and every one of them, so let’s just focus on the main characters and/or species of Star Trek and Star Wars. The other problem is deciding which Star Trek Universe and which Star Wars timelines will do battle. The best thing would be to pick the eras that have the best overall crews, ships, and technology. You want the ‘best of the best’ fighting for your side after all. So fighting for Star Trek will be the ‘Next Generation’ crew, and for Star Wars we’ll have the ‘New Hope’ Era crew.
On the technology side, both seem evenly matched. So much in fact, that nearly everything has a counterpart: Star Trek crews and enemies use lasers and phasers, the same goes for Star Wars. Star Trek crews and enemies use advanced regeneration technology to repair limbs and body parts, Star Wars uses advanced bionics to do the same. Some of the most advanced ships from both universes are capable of moving at light speed levels. Star Trek simply calls it Warp speed, and Star Wars calls it Hyper speed. (Say what you will. Many Trekkies and Star War fanatics will debate for hours what the actual value of Warp and Hyper speed are, but seriously, all of us in the ‘real world’ all know they’re talking about light speed. Moving on) The Empire in Star Wars uses massive Star Destroyers, and the Borg from Star Trek have a living ship that is just about the biggest Rubix Cube you’ve ever seen, and can F’ your world up.
Now, I did say “nearly” everything has a counterpart, that’s because there are a few key elements that are incredibly important to consider when breaking down this whole Inter-universal blast fest…
#1 Armor
Almost 80 percent of Star Wars soldiers (good guys and bad guys) wear armor in battle. Jedi for the most part are the exception (they’re like the ninjas of their world), choosing to wear cloth instead, but really, when you can move stuff with your mind, deflect lasers with a light saber, and hurl yourself fifty feet across a room, do you really need a flak jacket? Yea, probably not.
Star Trek guys don’t wear armor that often. Almost never. Trust us we looked. After watching hundreds of episodes, looking through countless books, and several movies, it’s clear that only about a quarter of Star Trek people wear armor. The ones that do (ie. The Borg, Klingons, Romulans, etc.) are mostly enemies or former enemies of Star Fleet. Don’t worry, the bad guys get to take part in this fight.
Though from what we can tell, armor from both of these worlds is practically useless. Storm Troopers get dropped regularly by blaster fire, and Disruptors will turn a Klingon into ash with one click of the button (which poses the question, “Why not use the disruptor ALL the time”? I suppose it’s because episodes would be like 2 minutes long.) While the various armors from these various races could guard against a fist or a melee weapon, they’re weak against fire power. For the most part armor serves an aesthetic purpose, unless you are in fact engaged in a ‘hand to hand’ confrontation, then in that case armor could very well come in handy.
Imagine a Romulan wearing body armor, facing a Klingon armed with a Bat’leth (a curved bladed weapon, their most popular weapon of choice). Now it is possible for a skilled Klingon warrior (most ARE skilled) to penetrate thin armor with the blade, given their strength. However, it’s not a guarantee they’d be able to inflict massive fatal damage with their hand held weapons (Bat’leth, D’k tahg, Mek’leth, Qutluch, etc.). On the flip side, imagine this: That same armor wearing Romulan, but this time he’s facing a Sith with a light saber. There’s your guarantee. Light sabers can cut through metal several inches thick, so unless that armor is made out of adamantium, or that suit Batman built to fight Superman, that Romulan is gonna lose a leg, and an arm, what the hell, and his life. Point goes to Star Wars.
#2 Robots
Some of the most integral aspects of both universes are robots, cyborgs, droids, and androids. Star Wars is littered with these types of constructs, and so is Star Trek. First lets look at the familiar ones; C-3PO is a ‘protocol droid’. His functions and skills are dedicated to things like language translation, information gathering, and matters of etiquette. He’s not capable of fighting effectively, nor is his construction capable of withstanding hard fought war fare. So he’s out. R2-D2 is an ‘astromech droid’ and he mainly deals with matters of maintenance. When it comes to repairing a busted up X-wing, or saving C-3PO’s behind, R2’s an invaluable asset. If however you’re looking for him to go ‘toe to toe’ (or tread to toe) with some one and come out of it in one piece, then you might be expecting too much from the little guy.
Yes, R2-D2 has helped save the day before, and some of his tools can function as rudimentary weapons, but he’s not really battle capable. He lacks the horse power, CPU power, and size to be an effective battle-bot. So he’s out. So those are a couple of robotic fellows from Star Wars that don’t make the cut, but what about the ones that do? How about Darth Vader?
- Data: “Wait, I’m supposed to fight that? What about the cute little white one that beeps? Who’s fighting him”?!
“What”?! you may be telling yourself, but Darth Vader does in fact belong in this category. He’s a cyborg: part machine, part man. When he was Anakin Skywalker he was human, but then came along Obi Wan Kenobi. If it weren’t for bionics, Darth Vader (would be dead first of all) would be nothing more than a torso with a portion of an arm, and no legs. Vader’s bionics, combined with his tremendous Force powers, make him a juggernaut. He’s strong, intelligent, and a nasty fighter. On the other hand, his brain is completely human, so that makes him react, think, and move like a human. In other words, while R2 and 3PO are completely synthetic, Darth Vader is not. So, we’ll leave Vader out for now.
Well another famous Star Wars robot is, IG-88, the robot bounty hunter. He’s big, fast, carries an arsenal of weapons, and is built like a small tank. He’s as close to being the Terminator as you can get without actually calling him the ‘Terminator’. He’s tangled with the likes of Boba Fett, and is designed to kill. He’s in. Then there are the countless pre-Empire era robots that remained after the war. Countless battle droids and modified droids exist in this Star Wars era, so they’re in too.
Star Trek has a few robots of its own. The Borg for one, are a race of people that assimilates itself with robotics and other artificial technology. They’re cyborgs in the purest sense. So the whole race is in. Then there’s Data.
Data is an advanced android (same as ‘droid’). He’s part C-3PO and part battle droid. Data was designed and programmed to function like a human, and as such is capable of doing all the things humans can do, and most times do them better. He’s programmed to be very effective in hand to hand combat, extremely intelligent (genius level), and like most robots, is very strong. While Data may seem very passive, if he needed to he could pick you up like a sack of meat and toss you against a wall. And he has done that before. Data’s design makes him substantially more advanced physically than C-3PO, but not IG-88. Then again Data was once assimilated with the Borg, and was more powerful as a result, butno, still too difficult to decide.
Star Trek has the edge in numbers with the Borg, but Star Wars has the edge in overall fire power. Looks like a draw to me.
#3 Combat Skill
Obviously the best Jedi and Siths possess remarkable combat skills, so we don’t need to go in to any detail here. What about the other cast of characters? Well, first you have the humans. You have Jean Luc Picard, and I’ll raise you a Han Solo. Show me William Riker, and I’ll show you Lando Calrissian. The list is long. Both sides are as equal as you can get
- “Everyone chill. I got this”
in the human department. Star Fleet trains all its cadets in ‘hand to hand’ combat and members of the Rebel Alliance or Empire are all former or current soldiers, so you know they can land a few punches. We need to look at the non-human element. Let’s look at Klingons and Wookies.
Klingons and Wookies are so similar in design that they seem like related species. Both are part of a tribal culture that bases their society on war, yet both are highly intelligent. They both utilize simple, close combat weapons as well as sophisticated fire arms. Both follow strict codes of honor and duty. Most importantly, both species are ferocious and very competent warriors who possess great physical strength. So hard to choose.
Chewbacca is most likely stronger than Worf, but Worf probably excels in the speedy foot work category. Still too close to call. We have to look at characters that are very unique in design. The one group of people that are so much more different than everyone else are the Jedi and Sith. Yes, as they often are, the Jedi and Sith are the great nullifiers. It has been written and portrayed on screen that a single Jedi master could take out a small army by him or herself. Let’s see a Klingon do that. If you lined up the best of what Star Wars had to offer against the best of what Star Trek had to offer, AND there’s at least one master Jedi or Sith in the group, the Star Trek guys are going to lose in a fist fight.
- Chewy: “Ahrgggg” Worf: “Um. What?”
Imagine Darth Vader, Yoda, Luke, Obi Wan, and Emperor Palpatine coming at you, and you’d agree. With Jedi and Sith fighting on their side (especially if they focused their Force powers together, oh god!), Star Wars gets the edge. But we’re not finished yet. On to the last item of discussion: Space craft.
#4 Space craft
If you look at Star Fleet’s ships you’d notice that they have a smoother and more graceful design compared to the more utilitarian designs of the Rebel Alliance and Empire ships. Though don’t let that look fool you. Underneath many of Star Trek’s ships lies plenty of hardcore fire power. The numerous ships from Star Trek range in all shapes in sizes, and the same of course goes for Star Wars. Although both sides share many things, there are two that undeniably decide it all. That happens to be maneuverability, and numbers.
Most of the ships in Star Trek are large, and although they can travel in a straight line extremely fast, you won’t be seeing any of them making last second U-Turns to attack an enemy vessel at their flank. However, along with their massive ships, Star Wars also has countless single manned support craft that can dart past you and come back to hit you from behind. If you’re thinking that a group of X-wings or A-wings can’t take out a ship like the Borg Cube, then you forget that squadrons of Rebel ships have taken down Star Destroyers. While many of the ships in Star Trek can handle attacks from many sources at once, I doubt that they could sustain an endless barrage of Tie-fighters. The same tie-fighters that are quickly mass produced in facilities that are inside Star Destroyers, piloted by massed produced clones. If you take the largest and most powerful ships in Star Trek, and you
- Realizing that stacking their ships would be an efficient way to save on space, the Borg opted for a square ship design.
add their fastest and most agile ships, they still couldn’t handle waves of tie fighters, X-wings, A-wings, Y-wings, Bomber ships, the Millennium Falcon, Outrider, and the Executioner (a Star Destroyer ship that is so big it actually has other Star Destroyers inside it!). Then there’s the Death Star, a giant laser the size of a moon.
Star Fleet, the Borg, Vulcans, Cardassians, and the whole lot are beginning to see that they do not have adequate fire power. Discovering that their enemies do not have exterior shielding, but instead have shielding that is integrated within the armor itself, the crews of the Star Trek Universe realize there is nothing preventing them from transporting soldiers aboard the ships. They begin to transport (teleport) all of their elite military personnel aboard the Executioner bridge. They will soon realize that boarding a ship with Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine was not a good idea. At least the Ensigns boarding the Millennium Falcon will fair better oh wait never mind.
Winner: Star Wars Universe
- This thing is full of ‘win’.
4 Responses to “Miyamoto Coliseum Returns”
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Gamer name: Stgsr
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Miyamoto Cup Challenge
Every month the Miyamoto Cup sets a challenge for an upcoming tournament. The first player to complete the challenge will collect his/her bounty.
Brawl Cup
Outcome: Escaped!
Challenge: Win 7 matches with Olimar without using a Final Smash.
Bounty: Win a Miyamoto Cup T-shirt, and three $1.00 off entrance fee passes.
Date: June 26th, 2010
Your site is very interesting and useful. I have bookmarked it for reference to see what other good articles you post!!!
yea I saw other articles like this that were written for IGN. Good god your’s is much better. This one is actually well written and pretty funny. The outcome is what I expected AND wanted! lol
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